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What to Do When the Passion Dies in Your Marriage

What to Do When the Passion Dies in Your Marriage

Marriage is an awesome thing. It’s God’s plan for most of us. And part of that plan is for us to have a passionate marriage. “Hmm …” I can hear some people saying.

Let me shock you. It’s not just you. It’s not just your marriage.

Passion dies eventually … in 100% of marriages. 100% !! according to author and marriage counsellor Dr David Clarke.  But there is something you can do about that.

Today I’d like to share with you God’s plan for husbands and wives to have a truly passionate marriage. 

What starts of, in most cases, as a passionate relationship between two people – passionate at all levels – can often end up in a kind of cold war with a massive emotional, spiritual and oft times physical Berlin wall running straight down the middle of that relationship. Husband on one side, wife on the other – and ne’er the twain shall meet.

Just stop and think about this. Marriage is the most natural thing in the world. Man and woman coming together as one, most commonly bringing children into the world – family – this basic unit of our society. And yet for many, let me say it as it is – for most – ending up as something that falls way short of what it could be.

It makes you want to cry. It’s a staggering, global pandemic that’s reeking havoc in the lives of way too many people. It’s a tragedy that’s unfolding in countless lives and relationships and families around the globe.

What goes wrong? Why does it happen?

Let’s wind the clock back – if you’re married, or if you’ve been married – on your marriage. Do you remember how it all began? Boy meets girl. A courtship. The romance – being completely besotted with one another. Totally, madly, passionately in love – that’s why you married your wife or your husband in the first place.

You were passionate about one another – there was no one else for you. Let me ask you – these years on … is it still like that? Do you still feel that amazing passion? I just don’t meant the physical passion – I mean that total passion you felt for her or him way back then on that day you exchanged your vows.

I’ve recently been reading one of the best books I’ve ever read. I don’t say that lightly. It numbers in my top 5 books of all time. It’s written by a man who’s been counselling married couples for a couple of decades, an American called Dr David Clarke. The book is called Kiss Me Like You Mean It – Solomon’s Crazy In–Love How To Manual.

It’s wickedly funny. Incredibly insightful. And it unpacks God’s plan for a man and a woman to have a passionate marriage relationship. Have a listen to what Clarke says about passion in marriage:

You wonder: “Can we ever get our passion back? Can we ever again be crazy in love?” God has an answer for you. It is a big yes!  You can’t help losing your passion. That happens to every married couple. What you can do is what Sandy and I did. You can get it back.

Did you pick it? After 21 years of counselling thousands of married couples – that’s all this guy does, marriage counselling – he concludes that every married couple loses the passion. In fact, in the second sentence of the 1st paragraph of the 1st chapter of the book he asks this question:

Why, in 100 percent of all marriages, does passion disappear just a handful of years after the wedding?

You see, it’s not just your marriage. It’s not just my marriage. It happens in 100% of all marriages. That’s a pretty definitive statistic.

Why? Because this world conspires to tear us apart – husband from wife, wife from husband. Work, responsibilities, paying the mortgage, putting food on the table, dealing with the pressures and stresses of life.

The man’s bad habits start annoying his wife – Why does he have to be like that?!!! Her bad habits – are driving him crazy too (just quietly). And with the kids demanding attention and the job taking more hours out of the day than it has a right to … there you have it, the passion is gone.

So – exactly what is passion?

Here’s what my dictionary tells me: a strong, barely controllable emotion of passionate love.

Anyone who’s been married will probably remember that feeling of passion from way back in the dim distant future. And unless you’ve only been married for a short time, it’s highly probably that that’s an emotion that seems to elude you these days.

But this same man who’s counselled thousands of couples over the last twenty something years has something else to say about passion. Listen to what he says again:

What you can do, is what Sandy (his wife) and I did. You can get it back. 


God’s Plan For Your Marriage

Why? Because God’s plan for your marriage – for every marriage – is that man and woman, husband and wife be passionately, madly, crazily in love with one another. Not in theory. Not as some elusive ideal that no one can attain. But in actual reality.

Just stop and think about that in the context of your marriage. Imagine not just recapturing the initial passion in your marriage relationship, but discovering a passion that’s all the more rich and deep, for the many miles and many trials that you’ve travelled through together.

God has dedicated a whole book – a complete book of the Bible to the passionate love between a man and a woman – the Song of Songs, sometimes called the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. He story of the love between King Solomon and the Shulamith woman. Listen to the passion they have for one another:

Like a lily among the thorns, So is my darling among the maidens writes Solomon (SS 2:2), and

My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand” writes the Shulamith (SS 5:10) about her man.

True passion, writes David Clarke, is not a phase of marriage. It’s designed by God to be a permanent part of marriage.

That is an amazing challenge to many, I know. And that’s why we’re going to spend some time over these coming weeks in the company of Solomon and the Shulamith woman through the Bible’s exposition of passionate marriage. And in the company of David Clarke through his fantastic book – Kiss me like you mean it.

Because God wants to put the passion back in your marriage. It’s that simple.

And that’s why I’ve recorded twenty radio programs on this very thing – putting the passion back into your marriage!


Other posts in this series:

What to do When the Passion in Your Marriage Dies

The Power of a Kiss

Understanding the Male Ego

Why Marriage Based on 50/50 Doesn’t Work

 Listen Now


  1. Thank u fr wonderful advice i enjoyed reading your page .been married fr 13 yrs spark is gone, hope i can afford the book. Thanks again. Thando

  2. Hi Berni. Thanks for this. I had not heard about this book, but I’m going to get two copies – one each for Wendy and I. It will make a perfect Valentine Day gift. We will read it together. I have been incredibly blessed over the past 37 years of marriage (40 years since I first noticed Wendy and got the courage to ask if she wanted to go on a date with me! If she only knew what THAT would mean haha!) We are still deeply in love and I couldn’t possibly imagine spending my life with anyone else. As you know, I travel a lot on ministry, so we are apart far too much. Distance is to love what wind is to fire – it snuffs the weak, but fans the strong. It certainly fans our love. It is very true that it takes serious work to make a marriage last and cause the passion to continue to flame. But it sure is worth it – and other than his plan of salvation, it is God’s very best for the highest of his creation. Blessings on you and Jacqui.

    • Hey, how are you going Bob? How are things in sunny, downtown Chatham, Ontario? Good to hear from you! Tell Wendy we’re all entitled to make one mistake in life! LOL

      I love that thought that distance is to love what wind is to fire – it snuffs the weak but fans the strong. Awesome and true.

      Bless ya bro,

  3. Thanks Berni for this latest message. My husband and I have been married for 41 years, and we are both in our early 60’s. We were passionately in love when we married, and 3 children & 5 grandchildren later we are still very much in love, but we have had to work at and are still working at keeping the passion alive, particularly when 12 years ago now I had major surgery for double mastectomy and breast reconstruction. That was a real challenge in terms of intimate relationship, but I thank the Lord for a husband who stuck by me and was prepared to look for ways to help keep passion alive..Having said all that I intend to get the book by David Clarke so that our love and passion can continue to grow on into our old age.
    We have an amazing God, and I praise his name for the gift of marriage.

    • Brenda, the Lord has blessed you both amazingly. Being prepared to keep working at it is the key. 🙂

  4. “Kiss me like you mean it” LOL I had to laugh….. I’ve been married nearly 22 years, I’m in my early 40’s and my husband barely kisses me anymore and when he does, there is completely no life in it – pretty sad really. Years and years of study on his part and complete loneliness for me have completely taken the spark out of our marriage. Our 5 year old son keeps us together as do I suppose the fact that we are both Christians and don’t want to walk away. I’m going to go and buy this book Bernie because life (and marriage) sure isn’t mean’t to be boring 🙂 Looking forward to the rest of your messages on this topic.

    • Margaret. I hope that the messages help gets some spark into your marriage. It’s a really worthwhile book to buy by the way.

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